Whoa, can't believe this article made the cut again!
Welcome back to another year of The Profit. I think it's pretty obvious by this point that Marcus Lemonis has nothing on me. Maybe this year, I'll even pick half the games correctly!
Before we get to the individual games, however, as I do every year I lay out my season-long expectations. This is where I'm a little better at predicting things, like saying that the Chargers and Cowboys would win division titles last year, the Packers would easily withstand the loss of Jordy Nelson, and the Colts would represent the AFC in the Super Bowl. You might be sitting there thinking to yourself, wow this guy sure is big on self-deprecating humor. I'm sure he's just exaggerating how bad his predictions were. You know, for effect. But nope, it was a putrid season all the way around! I love to make excuses for my bad record by using the expression, "no casinos ever went out of business because they lost too much money". But then Atlantic City went and happened and messed up my whole expression. So somebody out there is winning. Perhaps it's everyone who reads this article and then does the opposite of what I tell you to do. If that's the case, then do NOT send me nude photos of Selena Gomez...
So back to the grind we go, another year down and another exciting season to look forward to. For once, I'm NOT picking my Chargers to do anything noteworthy. Unless noteworthy means stinking. Without further ado, I give you the Back To the Future almanac of what will happen in 2016...
* = playoff team
AFC East
1. Jets *
2. Patriots *
3. Bills *
4. Dolphins
What the? Yes, I think the Patriots are going to struggle out of the gate without Tom Brady, despite the relatively easy schedule. I also think they are a much-weakened offensive unit, with Edelman, Gronk, and Lewis the three offensive keys and all of them banged-up at one time or another this preseason. I also don't know anything about offensive line rankings but theirs typically isn't very high. I also think Brady traded down when he went from Bridget Moynahan to Gisele. Factor in all of these, and the fact that the Jets don't really have a glaring weakness and I think this is the year it happens. Buffalo will be the best third-place team in football with Tyrod Taylor as a fantasy star and sneak in ahead of the Raiders and Chiefs for the final wild card spot, and Miami will be the best last-place team in football.
AFC North
1. Steelers *
2. Browns
3. Bengals
4. Ravens
Much like I picked them last season by default, the Steelers are easily the best of a weak lot. Not that I don't like them all on their own, just that I can't justify any of the others so why even bother. The Browns finally take a step forward this season after moving on from the Manziel disaster, and if they can keep RGIII upright for twelve games or so, there's enough offensive firepower here to be a real team. The Bengals lost two of their three best wideouts and have Tyler Eifert suffering to start the season, not to mention the mastermind of it all is now in Cleveland. They'll take a significant step back. The Ravens are awful.
AFC South
1. Jaguars *
2. Texans
3. Colts
4. Titans
Last year I went gaga for the Colts. This year, I've mostly shied away. Even though the offensive weapons are still there and still strong, I haven't seen much in the way of ya know, actually protecting Andrew Luck. And the defense? Woof. This is the Jags and Texans battling it out til the end. I like the subtle improvements Jacksonville has made more than the wholesale Texans additions (although Lamar Miller is going to win boatloads of fantasy titles this season). And the Titans can't get out of their own way and appear to be regressing even more if that's possible.
AFC West
1. Broncos *
2. Raiders
3. Chiefs
4. Chargers
For the first time in a long time, I'm not optimistic about the hopes for my Chargers. There's no real reason to think they'll be anything other than a doormat this year, and the championship window appears to be firmly shut for the time being. In a division where one team is the defending champ and the other two arguably improved a lot, there's not a lot of hope when you become the first team in 86 years to have your first round pick hold out through all of training camp. It's gonna be a long season...Denver is the champ until proven otherwise, although Oakland will make a lot of noise right up til the bitter end. And since it's the Raiders, yes the end will be very bitter. The Chiefs overachieved quite a bit last season, and they'll regress some. Think Cameron Diaz in every movie since Something About Mary.
NFC East
1. Giants *
2. Cowboys
3. Redskins
4. Eagles
Until the Romo injury, I had Dallas winning this division. But there's just enough of a drop-off to give the Giants that 1-2 game advantage they'll need here. But make no mistake, these are both quality teams. The Cowboys can withstand the loss of Romo better than in past seasons because Ezekiel Elliott and DAAAAKKKKK, while the Giants actually have a real NFL defense this time around. The Cowboys don't though, and that will make the difference in the end. Washington did it with mirrors last season, and I'll need to see them actually do it again before I'll be fully convinced. And the Eagles traded away their very small chance to win the division, and look to be a fairly talent-depleted roster.
NFC North
1. Packers *
2. Vikings *
3. Lions
4. Bears
With the injury to Teddy Bridgewater, everyone just wants to hand this division title to the Packers. I do too. But don't discount the Vikings as a force to be reckoned with. Their overall talent level is one of the best in the league even with the injury to Bridgewater, and they'll keep this closer than most realize. I don't understand the Lions love. They weren't terribly good, and now they lost one of the best players of all-time to retirement. How exactly is this offense going to work? The Bears are a poorly-constructed team and are several years away from relevance.
NFC South
1. Panthers *
2. Bucs
3. Saints
4. Falcons
It's tough to not pick the Panthers to cruise to a division title this season, after a 15-1 record and a Super Bowl appearance a year ago. But the Bucs are legit and will make some noise near the top, as Jameis Winston takes a leap into the top-10 quarterbacks in season two. The Saints will be their usual Jekyll-and-Hyde selves, capable of hanging seven touchdowns on anybody in the league but also capable of laying an egg on any given Sunday. The Falcons are worse than bad; they're boring.
NFC West
1. Cardinals *
2. Seahawks *
3. Rams
4. Niners
The Cardinals are arguably the most talented team in the league from top to bottom, and my Super Bowl champ. All of the pieces are in place for them to dominate the league in 2016, although they're in one of the league's tougher divisions (well besides the Niners, who aren't very good at the footballing). Even the Rams are going to be a bit better than they were a year ago because Todd Gurley. In the end, though, we'll see two teams with twelve wins coming out of this division, and both will make deep playoff runs.
Playoffs
AFC Championship
Patriots over Jets (oooooof!)
NFC Championship
Cardinals over Packers
Super Bowl
Cardinals over Patriots
Now let's get to the picks...!
