Some of you may not realize, but people who don't have full Insider PRO subscriptions are still able to read the first few lines of each article. It acts sort of like a teaser of sorts, so that people can see those first couple of sentences and then wonder what they're missing out on. Well, if they missed this article last week, then they really missed the boat! Those of you who have been along for the ride, well maybe those guys who don't have subscriptions can wave to us as we sail past them on our private yachts...
So this sentence is the first part that the subscribers are able to see. What a bunch of suckers those other guys are! They read that teaser above and probably thought we've been killing it in here, when in reality my picks have been complete dog crap. Ohhhh man joke's on them!
I'm glad you guys can still laugh with me...
Let's get to the picks!
WEEK 5 PICKS
Houston (-1.5) vs. Indianapolis
A few weeks back, I had a party at my house. My brother was helping me out behind the bar, but took about two drinks of his own for every one he poured for someone else. At one point, he made what can best be described as a liquor soup. There were multiple flavors of vodka, some tequila, some bourbon, probably a little moonshine. You name it, it was in there. And I realize now, that's pretty much how the 2015 Colts were constructed. Hey all these things are great! Let's throw em all together and see what happens! By the way, in this example, gin clearly represents Andre Johnson because that's just a horrid decision no matter how you look at it.
Pick: Texans
Atlanta (-7.5) vs. Washington
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me four times, I'm an idiot.
Pick: Falcons
Kansas City (-9.5) vs. Chicago
The Bears are clearly very terrible, so this is an indictment of the Kansas City offense more than anything. They don't seem big on the whole "unleashing hell" thing, so let's expect this one to stay within a touchdown.
Pick: Bears
Baltimore (-6.5) vs. Cleveland
No, I'm not back in on the Ravens. But after surviving a tough one against the Steelers, I can see these guys turning that momentum into a little mini-run here.
Pick: Ravens
Cincinnati (-1.5) vs. Seattle
This is the week that reality comes back to Cincy a little bit, and the football gods remind them that they are still, in fact, the Bengals. Seattle looks like they got a little bit of the mojo back with a nice victory against a very good team.
Pick: Seahawks
Tampa Bay (-3.5) vs. Jacksonville
Farrah Abraham, Justin Bieber, this game...What are, things I couldn't give less of a crap about for $200 Alex?
Pick: Jaguars
Philadelphia (-5.5) vs. New Orleans
When a formerly smoking hot celebrity chick starts losing her looks, we delude ourselves into thinking it's just the lighting, or a bad angle, or her makeup was all wrong. And then we see more and more of her, and finally come to the realization that it's over. This is the 2015 Eagles. Sure, everything there looks like it should still be holding up. But the reality is that all these parts don't fit anymore, and gravity and wrinkles are conspiring to ruin what was once a thing of beauty.
Pick: Saints
Green Bay (-9.5) vs. Saint Louis
If anybody can figure out the 2015 Rams, congrats because you're about to become a trillionaire.
Pick: Rams
Buffalo (-3.5) at Tennessee
See the above comment about the 2015 Rams, and replace the word Rams with the word Bills. Tennessee is well-rested off the bye week and home, and getting that ultra-valuable extra half point.
Pick: Titans
Arizona (-3.5) at Detroit
How much more Lions could last week's game have been? The answer is none. None more Lions.
Pick: Cardinals
Denver (-5.5) at Oakland
Ah, Peyton. Pretty much at the Tori Black stage of his career. He'll get the job done, but doesn't quite bring the fastball like he used to. He's lost a lot in a very short time, and when the rest of it goes, it's going to fall off a cliff. Wait are we still talking about football?
Pick: Broncos
New England (-8.5) at Dallas
See, I was all set to take the Cowboys and the points and run all the way to the bank. And then they had to go and involve Gisele. Granted, I never put a whole lotta stock into bulletin board material and fake motivational ploys. I mean, if you need a quote from someone to get jacked up for a football game, then you have problems. And it's not like it was anything critical of Mrs. Brady, it was complimentary (in a creepy, assault-ey type of way). It's more the "eff you" nature of these Patriots, where they aren't content to just simply beat you. They already want to embarrass you, and punch you in the neck, and take your mother Dorothy Mantooth out to a nice seafood dinner and NEVER call her again. But now they have that extra little oomph simply because Brady's wife was mentioned at all, and now they won't be content with a 31-17 victory. They may give up 17, but they're going to score 50.
Pick: Patriots
New York Giants (-7.5) vs. San Francisco
As good as the Giants have looked in recent weeks, and as bad as the Niners have looked, I think this line is a couple of points too high. I still can't shake the feeling that New York is a little overrated, even if they are a couple of plays away from being 4-0. Colin Kaepernick is not to be confused with a real NFL quarterback these days, but against the hapless New York defense, I think he keeps this one close.
Pick: Niners
San Diego (-3.5) vs. Pittsburgh
What?!? The Chargers, who had to come from 18 down against Detroit, got smoked by the Bengals and Vikings, and needed a gift from the heavens to beat the woeful Browns...FAVORED against the Steelers on Monday night football? The same Steelers who NEVER lose on Monday night? C'mon, this has to be a joke (hopefully my reverse jinx attempt wasn't too obvious).
Pick: Steelers
BEST BETS: Ravens, Seahawks, Patriots, Steelers
LOCK: New England Patriots
LAST WEEK
Overall: 4-11
Best Bets: 2-2
Lock of the Week: 1-0
YEAR TO DATE
Overall: 29-34 (46%)
Best Bets: 7-9 (43%)
Lock of the Week: 1-3 (25%)
POWER RANKINGS
1. Patriots 3-0 (1)
2. Packers 4-0 (2)
3. Bengals 4-0 (4)
4. Seahawks 2-2 (5)
5. Cardinals 3-1 (3)
6. Broncos 4-0 (7)
7. Panthers 4-0 (8)
8. Falcons 4-0 (9)
9. Jets 3-1 (14)
10. Steelers 2-2 (10)
11. Cowboys 2-2 (11)
12. Colts 2-2 (12)
13. Rams 2-2 (18)
14. Giants 2-2 (26)
15. Bills 2-2 (6)
16. Vikings 2-2 (15)
17. Chargers 2-2 (16)
18. Ravens 1-3 (21)
19. Saints 1-3 (24)
20. Eagles 1-3 (13)
21. Dolphins 1-3 (17)
22. Chiefs 1-3 (19)
23. Raiders 2-2 (20)
24. 49ers 1-3 (22)
25. Redskins 2-2 (31)
26. Bears 1-3 (32)
27. Lions 0-4 (23)
28. Titans 1-2 (28)
29. Texans 1-3 (25)
30. Browns 1-3 (27)
31. Bucs 1-3 (29)
32. Jaguars 1-3 (30)
