Remember the good old days back in Week 1 when I at least went 8-8? Man I miss those days. A terrible week of picks, combined with getting bounced from a huge survivor pool (thanks, Saints!), combined with going 3-5 across my fantasy leagues. Well this is about that time that you ask yourself, wait why am I taking this guy's advice again? Fair question. My response would be that I'm an average looking joe who somehow parlayed a good head of hair and a few jokes into landing a smoking hot wife. In other words, I may not look pretty getting there, but I get the job done. We march onward.
Let's get to the picks...!
WEEK 3 PICKS
New York Giants (-3.5) vs. Washington
Look for me on TV, as I'll be at this game. Well actually, I'll be in a luxury box like a real fancy pants, so there's almost no chance I'll get on TV. Unless of course Eli Manning starts throwing interceptions all over the yard, in which case I'll be the guy on the field punching Eli Manning's Eli Manning face.
Pick: Giants
Baltimore (-2.5) vs. Cincinnati
Ravens? Not seeing it. THe Bengals are showing everyone that they are very much legit, and the Ravens are stuck in the franchise quarterback contract conundrum. It's the same thing Seattle now faces. Basically, when you have a terrific team and a good-but-not-quite-elite quarterback, you're perfectly positioned to win the Super Bowl. But then once you do that, the quarterback needs to get paid, because unlike baseball, football hasn't discovered market inefficiencies yet. And so the quarterback is obviously the sole reason why they won, and so he gets paid like a king. And then the team needs to let certain players go in tough salary cap decisions, because the quarterback eats up way too much of the cap. And so in the long term, the team ultimately suffers horribly for it. Paying Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Aaron Rodgers, Drew Brees? Sure that's fine, because those guys really ARE difference-makers at that level. Flacco? Russell Wilson? Eli Manning? Team suffers. Fortunately the Bengals will never have that issue because while they are a solid team, you've gotta believe Andy Dalton would never actually let them WIN a Super Bowl right?
Pick: Bengals
Minnesota (-2.5) vs. San Diego
I'm trying this one more time. If it doesn't work, I can start focusing on my hobby of collecting empty liquor bottles. Well...they're they're not always empty. They're full in Week 1 at least.
Pick: Chargers
Cleveland (-3.5) vs. Oakland
Ok Browns, nice job and all. Same to you, Raiders. Let's be honest though, neither of these teams are good enough to be laying more than a field goal to anybody...even each other.
Pick: Raiders
Atlanta (-1.5) at Dallas
Free money. Dallas can still win with defense and a running game.
Pick: Cowboys
Houston (-6.5) vs. Tampa Bay
Cool, it's Week 3 already and I have seriously no clue what to make of either of these teams. When in doubt, take the points.
Pick: Bucs
New York Jets (-2.5) vs. Philadelphia
I read something the other day, that no matter which team wins this game, one thing we can be sure of is that a collective fanbase will quickly become suicidal afterwards. Jet fans are already talking about Ryan Fitzpatrick in the Trent Dilfer/Brad Johnson/Jim McMahon mold, so if they lose to this dysfunctional Eagles team, it'll be awful. It would be a crushing blow to their ego if they could no longer compare themselves to teams who had to win with great defense because their quarterback blows. And Eagles fans who were talking Super Bowl as recently as two weeks ago can't possibly fathom an 0-3 start and a loss to this rag-tag group. Well...start fathoming.
Pick: Jets
Pittsburgh (-1.5) at Saint Louis
I still don't fully trust the Steelers, and putting them on the road and laying points isn't giving me the warm and fuzzies.
Pick: Rams
Carolina (-3.5) vs. New Orleans
As if the Saints hadn't already lost enough from their offense, now Drew Brees' shoulder is falling apart. That's right, falling apart. I'm allowed to be hyperbolic in here, because this isn't real analysis.
Pick: Panthers
Indianapolis (-4.5) at Tennessee
Much like the Tostitos I eat as I type this, Chuck Pagano is feeling a bit salty. Seriously, I get that it's a tough opening act to go up against Buffalo and the Jets in the first two games. But isn't it also supposed to be hard for them to go up against Andrew Luck? So far it is far from it. And while I really do believe the Colts win this one in a rout, I'm not willing to lay money on them until I see at least one marginally successful performance out of this offense. See what I did there? No matter what happens, I can say I was right. And really, isn't that the sign of every good sportswriter?
Pick: Titans
New England (-13.5) vs. Jacksonville
Am I afraid of the backdoor cover here? Not really, mostly because the Pats are going to score 456 points.
Pick: Patriots
Arizona (-6.5) vs. San Francisco
Are the Niners the team who came out of the gate on fire in Week 1, or the sluggish group that stumbled against the Steelers? Does it even matter when they're playing one of the league's most complete teams? Nope!
Pick: Cardinals
Seattle (-14.5) vs. Chicago
Looks like they're begging us to take Chicago and the points. That never works well.
Pick: Seahawks
Miami (-2.5) vs. Buffalo
Divisional games are always tough, especially when both teams came out with a lot of excitement in Week 1 only to get kicked on their rear ends in Week 2. But while Buffalo showed a lot of heart in going for a spirited comeback against the Pats, Miami struggled against a doormat. Something's not right in south Florida, and it's not just the zombie people eating each other and ripping one another's guts out and stuff.
Pick: Bills
Denver (-3.5) at Detroit
The Lions aren't as bad as they've looked, and Denver really doesn't have any business being 2-0 at this point. Something's gotta give.
Pick: Lions
Green Bay (-6.5) vs. Kansas City
The Chiefs may be a borderline solid team, but there's no reason whatsoever why this Packer team should win by less than a touchdown.
Pick: Packers
BEST BETS: Bengals, Cowboys, Jets, Bills
LOCK: Dallas Cowboys
LAST WEEK
Overall: 7-9
Best Bets: 1-3
Lock of the Week: 0-1
YEAR TO DATE
Overall: 15-17 (46%)
Best Bets: 3-5 (37%)
Lock of the Week: 0-2 (0%)
POWER RANKINGS
1. Patriots 2-0 (1)
2. Cowboys 2-0 (2)
3. Packers 2-0 (3)
4. Cardinals 2-0 (4)
5. Bengals 2-0 (11)
6. Seahawks 0-2 (5)
7. Bills 1-1 (6)
8. Broncos 2-0 (8)
9. Panthers 2-0 (14)
10. Jets 2-0 (18)
11. Steelers 1-1 (13)
12. Colts 0-2 (7)
13. Chargers 1-1 (10)
14. Falcons 2-0 (19)
15. Dolphins 1-1 (9)
16. Eagles 0-2 (12)
17. Rams 1-1 (15)
18. Chiefs 1-1 (17)
19. Ravens 0-2 (16)
20. 49ers 1-1 (20)
21. Vikings 1-1 (22)
22. Lions 0-2 (21)
23. Saints 0-2 (23)
24. Raiders 1-1 (28)
25. Texans 0-2 (25)
26. Giants 0-2 (26)
27. Browns 1-1 (30)
28. Titans 1-1 (24)
29. Bucs 1-1 (29)
30. Jaguars 1-1 (31)
31. Redskins 1-1 (32)
32. Bears 0-2 (27)
