Oh good, an 8-8 result in Week 1. Nothing gets the people fired up quite like mediocrity! If I go 15-1 (or even better, if I go 1-15 since it makes the writing better), at least it's interesting and/or useful. But 8-8 right outta the gate kind of tells you all you need to know about how this season is going to play out. Far be it from me to reduce my own readership, but the great football minds on this site are down the hall a bit.
That being said, we can have some fun with this. You'll get some kick-ass analysis in many places on this site, but will you get an analogy between things like Tony Romo's last-minute Sunday night drive and Charlotte McKinney's chest in those other articles? HIGHLY DOUBTFUL. Stick with me, this piece is going places.
Now let's get to the picks...!
WEEK 2 PICKS
Kansas City (-3.5) vs. Denver
Denver is going to be severely underrated after how boring and putrid they looked on Sunday. That being said, they still beat one of last year's better teams in the Ravens, and that may well turn out to be the low point in their season. The Chiefs are a solid team, capable of beating most anyone on a given night, but I can't shake the feeling that they're just not quite ready for primetime just yet.
Pick: Broncos
Cleveland (-1.5) vs. Tennessee
After Week 1, some might say the oddsmakers lean strongly in favor of what happened in Week 1. The theory being that the general public tends to overreact to things they've seen. In other words, Tennessee looked great while Cleveland looked like dog crap. So in Week 2, you might expect Tennessee to be largely favored over the hapless Browns. Except they're not. They're getting points. Which means the line makes no sense, and they want you to take the Titans. Which means Cleveland is going to win this one going away.
Pick: Browns
New Orleans (-10.5) vs. Tampa Bay
Speaking of begging us to take the points, how about the Saints laying double digits A) In an expected down season, B) Coming off a loss, and C) In a season where nobody else has been favored by more than 7.5 points through the season's first two weeks. This is a HUGE spread, and it just goes to show how godawful the Bucs are.
Pick: Saints
New England (-0.5) at Buffalo
These Bills are realer than Charlotte McKinney's oh wait damn I already used her as a comparison for Romo. Well, you get the point. These guys are the real deal.
Pick: Bills
Arizona (-2.5) at Chicago
It's that extra half point that gives me pretty supreme confidence in this one. If Arizona was laying 3 or 3.5, I'd feel like that field goal would haunt me in the end. But since the Cards are good, and the Bears stink, I can't fathom why we're being told that the Bears were A) the better team on a neutral field, and B) there is no B, this line is just silly.
Pick: Cardinals
Pittsburgh (-6.5) vs. San Francisco
The Niners? Good? What the heck man! They were supposed to stink right? I mean, I guess they don't stink after all. But I really don't want to believe in the Niners, because I came into the season with the expectation that they would be pretty terrible. Replacing Harbaugh with Tomsula is akin to Jessica Alba bailing out of your movie and the only replacement available is Lena Dunham. Did I just compare Jim Harbaugh to Jessica Alba? Yes I did, but only in terms of their butts. He must work out.
Pick: Niners
Saint Louis (-3.5) at Washington
Rams are a bit overrated after their Week 1 victory over Seattle, and the Redskins are appropriately rated as stinky. But this is more than a field goal you're laying on the road with a team that doesn't exactly have an explosive offense (no matter how many points they scored last week).
Pick: Redskins
Cincinnati (-3.5) vs. San Diego
Like I said last week, I'm harder on my team than I have any right to be. They've given me 11 years of pretty damn exciting football, yet I still bag on them almost nonstop. So when I say I actually believe in them, it's either that they are very good or it's just the drugs talking. This team is legit. Now pass the potato chips.
Pick: Chargers
Carolina (-3.5) vs. Houston
Final score prediction: Carolina 4, Houston 2
Pick: Texans
New York Giants (-2.5) vs. Atlanta
Despite the putrid Week 1 performance, I'm not ready to bury Eli Manning as a top-5 fantasy quarterback just yet. And I'm also not ready to anoint the Falcons as legit just because of one solid performance. Obviously based on how these squads looked in primetime, this line should go in the other direction. Let's not forget that the Dallas defense is much improved this year (I know they are, because I said so), so I'm willing to chalk up the Week 1 performance by New York as an aberration. Well, not defensively. That's legitimately awful. Let's go Giants and the way over in this one, and we'll all have a Merry Christmas.
Pick: Giants
Minnesota (-3.5) vs. Detroit
This is the toughest game of the week for me. Both of them lost games in Week 1 that I thought they were going to win. Both of them need a win in a pretty big way in an ultra-competitive conference (and division, for that matter). When in doubt, don't trust Stafford. When in doubt, take the points. Those two contradict one another. What to do, what to do...is there a such thing as a 3 1/2 point win in real life?
Pick: Lions
Baltimore (-7.5) at Oakland
The Raiders aren't quite as bad as they looked in Week 1. They aren't good, don't get me wrong. But they shouldn't be that much of a laughingstock. Meanwhile, the Ravens also aren't good. They also aren't bad. They're like a fantasy football writer who predicts games at a .500 clip, which makes them utterly boring. WAIT NO!
Pick: Raiders
Miami (-6.5) at Jacksonville
Don't be fooled by the underwhelming performance by Miami in Week 1. They're going to unleash hell on the Jags this week. All the touchdowns Lamar Miller and Jordan Cameron and company were SUPPOSED to score in Week 1? Well they're coming now (please!).
Pick: Dolphins
Philadelphia (-5.5) vs. Dallas
Sooo, we all saw these two teams play the other day right? The Eagles looking pretty bad and Dallas coming back at the last minute and Tony Romo leading ANOTHER game-winning touchdown drive right? So I'm going to need someone to explain to me how this line makes any sense. I know I know, earlier in the piece I said when a line makes no sense and tends to push you in one direction, you should go the other way. But this just feels dumb. Yes, gut feel is a large part of how I drive my decisions. Which is why I'm such an effective gambler and I drive the nicest bicycle you've ever seen.
Pick: Cowboys
Green Bay (-3.5) vs. Seattle
No way this loaded Seattle team starts the year 0-2. See? There's that awesome analysis again.
Pick: Seahawks
Indianapolis (-7.5) vs. New York Jets
This is the week that the Colts take out their frustrations on New York and unleash hell. There might be five touchdowns thrown by Andrew Luck in this game. And he'll need to throw five touchdowns, because the Indy defense is bad enough to allow the Jets to match them score for score for awhile.
Pick: Jets
BEST BETS: Cardinals, Chargers, Dolphins, Seahawks
LOCK: San Diego Chargers
LAST WEEK
Overall: 8-8
Best Bets: 2-2
Lock of the Week: 0-1
YEAR TO DATE
Overall: 8-8 (50%)
Best Bets: 2-2 (50%)
Lock of the Week: 0-1 (0%)
POWER RANKINGS
Team Name W/L (Prv)
1. Patriots 1-0 (1)
2. Cowboys 1-0 (3)
3. Packers 1-0 (4)
4. Cardinals 1-0 (6)
5. Seahawks 0-1 (2)
6. Bills 1-0 (12)
7. Colts 0-1 (5)
8. Broncos 1-0 (8)
9. Dolphins 1-0 (9)
10. Chargers 1-0 (10)
11. Bengals 1-0 (11)
12. Eagles 0-1 (7)
13. Steelers 0-1 (13)
14. Panthers 1-0 (14)
15. Rams 1-0 (21)
16. Ravens 0-1 (15)
17. Chiefs 1-0 (18)
18. Jets 1-0 (20)
19. Falcons 1-0 (25)
20. 49ers 1-0 (26)
21. Lions 0-1 (16)
22. Vikings 0-1 (17)
23. Saints 0-1 (19)
24. Titans 1-0 (30)
25. Texans 0-1 (22)
26. Giants 0-1 (23)
27. Bears 0-1 (27)
28. Raiders 0-1 (24)
29. Bucs 0-1 (28)
30. Browns 0-1 (29)
31. Jaguars 0-1 (31)
32. Redskins 0-1 (32)
