I pick four “best bets” and make one of those a “lock” each week. Those are listed at the end. Let’s get to it!
Jacksonville (-3.5) vs. Tennessee
Can you believe the levels we’re stooping to? The CIA is going to force detainees to watch this game tonight. I’m disgusted. THEY’RE PEOPLE FOR GOD’S SAKE!!
Pick: Titans
Philadelphia (-8.5) at Washington
The Eagles are just completely falling apart in multiple areas, and there is very little hope in sight. They mounted a decent comeback attempt last week, but it was way too little and WAY too late. As bad as Washington is, and as capable as Philly is to put up a flurry of points in a hurry, I’m not giving up more than a touchdown on the road against a divisional rival in December with a team struggling this badly.
Pick: Redskins
San Francisco (-2.5) vs. San Diego
There have been years where the Chargers were the “team that gets hot” heading into the playoffs and everyone expected them to make a deep run. This year’s team is nothing like that. Which is why, if they win these last two games and somehow sneak their way in, they’ll be a pretty easy out for whoever is lucky enough to draw them. #pleaseworkreversejinx
Pick: Chargers
New England (-10.5) at New York Jets
This is crazy high. Granted it’s one of the best teams in the league against one of the worst, and I get that the Jets probably blew their shot to beat the Pats when they missed that last-second field goal earlier this season. But it’s probably Rex’s last home game, there might be snow, the records don’t matter when these two play, and I’ll be at the game. If anyone wants to hang out pregame, I’ll be at the tailgate that will be leading the world in arrests. I’d say to look for the big group of north Jersey guidos, but that only narrows it down to 48,000 people. Email arrangements are probably a better bet.
Pick: Jets
Miami (-6.5) vs. Minnesota
Miami might be the prototypical average team we’ve seen in a long time. They are totally fine against anybody in the bottom half of the league, and hold their own with the teams in the middle. But give them anyone in the top-10 and suddenly they’re Oliver McCall. It’s like clockwork. Fortunately this week they get a bottom-feeder.
Pick: Dolphins
Detroit (-4.5) at Chicago
So Jimmy Clausen will be starting this game huh? Against one of the best defenses in football? With a coach’s job on the line? And down Brandon Marshall? YOU’RE OUTTA YOUR ELEMENT JIMMY!
Pick: Lions
New Orleans (-6.5) vs. Atlanta
Whatever the Saints lost two weeks ago, they found it again this past weekend. The Falcons blew a golden opportunity to take control of this division by slipping at home against Pittsburgh, and will slip even further when they get upended by the Saints. This line is too high to NOT assume everyone expects the Saints to be firing on all cylinders.
Pick: Saints
Baltimore (-4.5) at Houston
So I mentioned to you guys last week that I was still alive in my $30,000 survivor pool and was taking the Ravens. Well, we got eliminated. No, it wasn’t because we changed our pick. It wasn’t because the manager of the pool took the money and ran. No, we’re eliminated because my partner in the pool FORGOT TO SUBMIT OUR PICK. She doesn’t read this article, so I can totally make fun of the entire thing here without repercussions. But I won’t. I’ll take the high road. But I’m accepting donations now to make up the difference. You can pay in American currency, or cheese.
Pick: Ravens
Green Bay (-10.5) at Tampa Bay
You remember the scene in Man On Fire when Creasy let everyone down and wanted bloody revenge, so he did that thing where he took his revenge on that guy? And then he did it again? And then cut off the fingers? And then blew up the one dude’s butthole? And then did even more stuff? The Packers this weekend = Creasy.
Pick: Packers
Pittsburgh (-3.5) vs. Kansas City
Well, I was a week early on the Steelers pooping the bed. It’s just about a mortal lock to happen this weekend though.
Pick: Chiefs
Carolina (-4.5) vs. Cleveland
Carolina doesn’t win by a lot. Cleveland loses in the most heartbreaking ways imaginable. This has “field goal game” written all over it.
Pick: Browns
Saint Louis (-5.5) vs. New York Giants
It’s astounding that these teams are only one game apart in the W/L column considering how far to either extreme they are in terms of future hope. That being said, as long as the Giants have ODB in their corner, they aren’t a complete joke yet.
Pick: Giants
Dallas (-2.5) vs. Indianapolis
I’ve been saying all year long that the Colts are a fake good team. They’re going to win their division, and they’ll be a scary out in the playoffs because of Andrew Luck’s uncanny ability to pull off dramatics late in games. But they’ve surrounded him with a completely mediocre bunch of guys, and they’ve been fortunate enough to play in a garbage division. Dallas is actually good, and will prove that this week.
Pick: Cowboys
Buffalo (-6.5) at Oakland
Now that Buffalo smacked around and dominated Green Bay, they’re finally getting respect. But Buffalo fans can tell you. The Bills are the Lions are the Jets are the Browns are the New York Mets are a Republican presidential candidate are the Grammy Awards are the NASA program. You get some respect…you get some close…you’re about to make your move towards greatness…and then BAM, two seconds later you’re irrelevant again.
Pick: Raiders
Seattle (-8.5) at Arizona
Is it me, or does this line seem way too high? Like outta whack. Apparently everyone believes this Seattle team is all the way back. Or at least that Arizona is starting the equivalent of ME at quarterback this weekend. Yeah let’s stick on the safe side.
Pick: Seahawks
Denver (-3.5) at Cincinnati
Think about this game. The Cincinnati defense is solid and all, but Denver’s has actually been winning them games. And the running game too. That’s right, Denver is winning football games by playing defense and running the ball. And they’ve been doing it as well or better than Cincinnati. But oh by the way, if these teams need to start taking to the air? The Broncos have a slight advantage there, no? Don’t get cute here. It’s obvious.
Pick: Broncos
BEST BETS: Chargers, Lions, Ravens, Broncos
LOCK: Detroit Lions
LAST WEEK
Overall:5-11
Best Bets: 1-3
Lock of the Week: 1-0
YEAR TO DATE
Overall: 121-107 (53%)
Best Bets: 32-29 (52%)
Lock of the Week: 8-7 (53%)
POWER RANKINGS
Team Name W/L (Prv)
1. Patriots 11-3 (2)
2. Broncos 11-3 (3)
3. Seahawks 10-4 (4)
4. Cardinals 11-3 (5)
5. Packers 10-4 (1)
6. Cowboys 10-4 (7)
7. Colts 10-4 (8)
8. Lions 10-4 (9)
9. Ravens 9-5 (10)
10. Eagles 9-5 (6)
11. Steelers 9-5 (12)
12. Chiefs 8-6 (13)
13. Bengals 9-4-1 (15)
14. Bills 8-6 (17)
15. Dolphins 7-7 (11)
16. Chargers 8-6 (14)
17. 49ers 7-7 (16)
18. Texans 7-7 (18)
19. Rams 6-8 (19)
20. Panthers 5-8-1 (21)
21. Browns 7-7 (20)
22. Falcons 5-9 (22)
23. Saints 6-8 (24)
24. Vikings 6-8 (23)
25. Giants 5-9 (26)
26. Bears 5-9 (25)
27. Jets 3-11 (28)
28. Bucs 2-12 (27)
29. Redskins 3-11 (29)
30. Raiders 2-12 (30)
31. Titans 2-12 (31)
32. Jaguars 2-12 (32)
