Welcome to another year featuring the worst of Footballguys! In case you’re a newcomer to the feature (and let’s face it, you probably aren’t reading this past Week 1), I pick games each week against the spread and also provide a running college-style ranking of each team in the league. Power rankings if you will – because nobody else does power rankings. And nobody else picks games against the spread. Not even on this site, where there are only two other weekly features where people pick against the spread. I used to be the only guy who did that, but I became too popular so they decided to spread the wealth a bit.
Anyway, for the first feature of the year I lay out my predictions for the upcoming season. Last year, I nailed each conference championship game and would have clean swept if the Niners had been able to pull out the Super Bowl over Baltimore. That being said, don’t expect much here because I’m usually slightly less reliable than a quarter.
I’m typically more out on a limb with these seasonal predictions, but this year it just seems like there are no teams who are really going to make that next leap to the forefront. Everything looks pretty cut and dried without a great deal of upwards movement. Kind of like me.
2013 Predictions
* denotes wild card
AFC EAST
1. New England Patriots
2. Miami Dolphins *
3. New York Jets
4. Buffalo Bills
I think the Dolphins can challenge the Patriots, I really do. But at the end of the day, Miami’s strong defense still isn’t enough to have closed to gap on New England’s offensive prowess. Losing Wes Welker won’t hurt much, since Danny Amendola is just as, if not more,white talented. The loss of Aaron Hernandez is pretty big, but let’s be honest it’s not like the Dolphins were a PCP user,gang banger,murderer,kid who grew up in the suburbs, talented tight endaway from being able to hang with the Pats anyway. And clearly based on recent fantasy drafts I’ve done, it’s only a matter of time before Kenbrell Thompkins takes off his Kenbrell Thompkins mask to reveal he is actually Jerry Rice. Seriously, the hype is out of hand on this one. The Jets are an offensive disaster, obviously, but their defense and offensive line are both good enough to prevent them from losing more than ten games. I was a big believer in the Bills last year, but they say you get wiser as you get older so I’ve learned my lesson here.
AFC NORTH
1. Cincinnati Bengals
2. Baltimore Ravens *
3. Pittsburgh Steelers
4. Cleveland Browns
Everyone is off the Ravens bandwagon, and for pretty good reason. The losses they have suffered (Ray Lewis, Ed Reed, Anquan Boldin) are probably bigger in terms of name recognition than productivity at this point, but let’s not forget they didn’t exactly dominate the league last year even WITH those guys. They were one fourth down conversion away from losing to the horrible horrible Chargers and they were bailed out in the postseason by Andrea Bocelli playing defensive back for Denver. Now with a depleted cast and a vastly improved Cincinnati team, I think the Bengals have enough to make the jump. Cleveland is a lot closer to Pittsburgh than Pittsburgh is to Baltimore. I’m a big believer in Norv Turner turning around the Cleveland offense, because having watched him in San Diego I can attest that he is a brilliant brilliant man who demands excellence and is ruthless in his desire to improve in all OK GET IT I’M KIDDING AROUND! But he will make this offense go.
AFC SOUTH
1. Houston Texans
2. Indianapolis Colts
3. Tennessee Titans
4. Jacksonville Jaguars
Apologies for continuing to bore you with a recap of last year’s standings, but I really can’t see this going any other way. Let’s start at the bottom since it’s the easiest. Jacksonville is historically bad. Ok now that that is out of the way, it’s pretty apparent that Texans are once again the class of this division. The Colts will likely take a step back, so while they were a nice challenge last year, they will be closer to Tennessee than to Houston this time around. In Tennessee, Chris Johnson will experience a renaissance this year (or else a lot of my fantasy teams will be in a lot of trouble), the receiving game is improved, the line is improved, and Jake Locker will continue to turn into Jake Plummer/Jay Cutler reincarnated. Not sure if that’s a good thing yet. Probably not.
AFC WEST
1. Denver Broncos
2. Kansas City Chiefs
3. San Diego Chargers
4. Oakland Raiders
The Broncos are the biggest lock in the history of locks. If anybody else wins this division, it’d bedue to the fact that Peyton Manning had to retire because he contracted the bubonic plague from Sydney Leathers. You see? It’s not going to happen. I’m on board with Kansas City once again, for reasons unknown. They were terrible last year, but I like them to finish right around .500 this time. And Jamaal Charles will finish with a hundred billion yards and win fantasy championships everywhere. And Eagles fans will long for the day that they didn’t have a coach who runs the ball on every single play. The Chargers are in the unique position of being terrible this season but still making everyone stinking rich. See, Vegas has set the over/under on wins for this team at 7.5. For the Chargers to win at least 8 games this season, there would need to be such a titanic shift in the cosmos, the universe would be completely thrown off-course and the NFL season would cease to exist. It’s almost as unlikely as Manning’s bubonic plague. And the Raiders, despite featuring a pair of 1,000 yard rushers in Darren McFadden and…wait for it…Terrelle Pryor…will again be terrible. I know, shocking.
NFC EAST
1. Dallas Cowboys
2. New York Giants
3. Philadelphia Eagles
4. Washington Redskins
It’s not that I just LOVE Dallas this season; it’s that I can’t see a very good reason for picking any of the others. The Giants have become that team that wins 9 games every year but doesn’t really scare you until/unless they are still playing in January. The Eagles (with fantasy’s biggest home run in Mike Vick) have a defensive unit that is more porous than a teenager’s face. And the Redskins are going to battle with three of their four most important skill guys all returning from serious injuries. It’s more that Dallas wins this division by process of elimination.
NFC NORTH
1. Green Bay Packers
2. Chicago Bears *
3. Detroit Lions
4. Minnesota Vikings
Three strong teams in this division means that the race will last longer than most expect it to. A lot of people are granting Green Bay the division crown right now, but the truth is that the Bears are going to give them a fight right up until the final week of the season. Then you’ve got Detroit, which should make a playoff run of its own.
NFC SOUTH
1. New Orleans Saints
2. Atlanta Falcons
3. Carolina Panthers
4. Tampa Bay Bucs
I don’t know what it is about Atlanta this season. Perhaps it’s the horrible offensive line. Or the bad defense. Or the assumption that they will just continue to win games simply “because”. Whatever the reason, I’m getting a bad vibe here from them. The Saints have some of the same issues in certain respects, but I just feel like this is one of those situations that isn’t being given the proper breakdown it really deserves and people are lazily picking the Falcons to win. I think they miss the postseason altogether. The Panthers and Bucs will both be solid teams, though nowhere near playoff caliber, and the Bucs will probably be the best last-place team in football along with Washington.
NFC WEST
1. Seattle Seahawks
2. San Francisco 49ers *
3. Saint Louis Rams
4. Arizona Cardinals
It’s entirely possible that the two best teams in all of football play in the same division. What a turnaround from where the NFC West was a few years ago, when everybody was crap. Well, the Rams still aren’t all that great. And thankfully, Arizona hasn’t come close to adopting this newfangled fancy-schmancy “talent” thing that is becoming just sooo popular with the other teams in the division.
AFC CHAMPIONSHIP
Denver over Cincinnati
NFC CHAMPIONSHIP
Seattle over Dallas
SUPER BOWL
Denver over Seattle
POWER RANKINGS
- Broncos 0-0 (-)
- Seahawks 0-0 (-)
- 49ers 0-0 (-)
- Patriots 0-0 (-)
- Packers 0-0 (-)
- Bengals 0-0 (-)
- Texans 0-0 (-)
- Bears 0-0 (-)
- Ravens 0-0 (-)
- Saints 0-0 (-)
- Cowboys 0-0 (-)
- Falcons 0-0 (-)
- Giants 0-0 (-)
- Lions 0-0 (-)
- Dolphins 0-0 (-)
- Colts 0-0 (-)
- Steelers 0-0 (-)
- Eagles 0-0 (-)
- Redskins 0-0 (-)
- Panthers 0-0 (-)
- Bucs 0-0 (-)
- Vikings 0-0 (-)
- Rams 0-0 (-)
- Chiefs 0-0 (-)
- Jets 0-0 (-)
- Chargers 0-0 (-)
- Browns 0-0 (-)
- Titans 0-0 (-)
- Bills 0-0 (-)
- Cardinals 0-0 (-)
- Raiders 0-0 (-)
- Jaguars 0-0 (-)
Week 1 Picks
* I pick four “best bets” and make one of those a “lock” each week. Those are listed at the end.
Denver (-8.5) vs. Baltimore
PICK: Broncos
New Orleans (-3.5) vs. Atlanta
PICK: Saints
Indianapolis (-8.5) vs. Oakland
PICK: Raiders
Cleveland (-0.5) vs. Miami
PICK: Dolphins
Detroit (-4.5) vs. Minnesota
PICK: Lions
New England (-10.5) at Buffalo
PICK: Patriots
Tampa Bay (-2.5) at New York Jets
PICK: Bucs
Kansas City (-3.5) at Jacksonville
PICK: Chiefs
Seattle (-3.5) at Carolina
PICK: Panthers
Chicago (-3.5) vs. Cincinnati
PICK: Bengals
Pittsburgh (-7.5) vs. Tennessee
PICK: Titans
San Francisco (-4.5) vs. Green Bay
PICK: Niners
Saint Louis (-4.5) vs. Arizona
PICK: Rams
Dallas (-3.5) vs. New York Giants
PICK: Giants
Washington (-3.5) vs. Philadelphia
PICK: Eagles
Houston (-3.5) at San Diego
PICK: Texans
BEST BETS: Patriots, Chiefs, Titans, Giants
LOCK: Patriots
RECORD
Last Week: 0-0
Year To Date: 0-0
Best Bets: 0-0
Lock of the Week: 0-0
