Name: Chris Rito

Home: Martinsville, IN

Credentials:
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time effectively.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed. I cook thirty minute brownies in a mere twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once singlehandedly defended a small village in the Amazon basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello. I was scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. Whem I am bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays after work I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have received the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal force demonstration. I bat .400.

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis racquets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA.

I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and all my bills are paid. On weekends, I participate in full-contact origami to let off steam. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life, but I forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.

I breed prize-winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet. I have performed open heart surgery. I have spoken with Elvis. And gosh-darned if I don't smell real good, too.

But most impressively, I write for Footballguys.com.

If you would like to read my more serious bio, click here.